PYRAMID OF SHAME As per usual, the episode begins with the girls and moms lining up for their weekly denigration. Jill is the first to be called out because she has chosen to keep her boots on in the studio, which is a big no-no. Abby screams at her that the floor is $68,000. Jill keeps her boots on. Maybe if it were $78,000, Abby. Maybe.
PREVIOUSLY Sophia is playing the longest game of hide and seek ever. Hershel is going to heal the walkers à la Jesus. Dale hates Shane. Shane hates the zombarn. And because Sophia was hiding in the zombarn and wasting everyone’s time, Rick shoots her.
The episode begins exactly where it left off in November, that being outside the zombarn with Rick’s gun still smoking from just putting a bullet into Sophia’s head. So just like the Springsteen album by the same name, this episode is starting off to be pretty fucking bleak.
PREVIOUSLY Pey-Ton the Large joins the group. Jill doesn’t understand how many people can be in a trio. Abby gives Chloe all kinds of ultimatums. Pey-Ton thinks she’s hot to trot. Abby gets upset with a woman who may or may not be her sister.
BROOKE BATTLES THE BEAST Brooke decides to invite “Miss Abby” to lunch to ask for her spot back on the dance team. Abby and her big ol’ self lumber in to the café, where Brooke is already sitting down being a fidgety fidget and phantom-twirling her hair. As Brooke mumbles out her request to rejoin the dance team, she looks as though she could vomit at any moment. All the while, Abby’s facial expression is one of condescension and power.
PREVIOUSLY Cathy’s dancers have real apples abs, not bejeweled drawn-on ones. Some big ol’ lady tried to beat Brooke, but was too big and old to win. Cathy thinks Christi’s name is ‘Nose.’ Christi thinks Cathy is an evil witch but, unfortunately, has no water to test her theory. And, if I remember correctly, Abby said the word ‘apple’ 862 times.
PYRAMID OF SHAME Abby brings the girls and Dance Moms in for Pyramid/Chalkboard/ Weekly Ritual of Degradation and Shame. Right off the bat, she makes yet another play-on-‘apple,’ which basically recaps the entire episode last week, so I don’t have to. Abby congratulates the girls on their victory, but then immediately tells them to get over it.
LAST SEASON Abby produces stars. Well, at least one star. The moms are proud. Abby is mean. There is a lot of yelling. Everyone is replaceable. Cathy is nuts. Melissa is a sociopath. Abby predicts that every girl will win a crown this year. Hopefully, she has rigged the judging.
FIRST DANCE MEETING Melissa interviews that she is going to start the competition season without any negative thoughts, which, interestingly enough, is just how Newt Gingrich started his campaign season. I bet he’s Melissa’s role model.
We open to a picturesque morning on Zombiebrook Farms and find our band of survivors eating breakfast around their campfire. Carol, as usual, seems to be doing all the work, as she is cooking and dishing up plates for the others. Give this poor woman a break people! And Andrea, perhaps in an attempt to show that she is a BAMF, does not appear to be eating breakfast, and instead she is sharpening a knife on a cheese grater. Or something that looks like a cheese grater. (Side note: Is she a natural blonde? Because her roots don’t seem to need touching up. And I think that they would by now) Shane is being glare-y in the corner, while Lori and Rick get all sensitive and loving for a few seconds. Glenn, still unsure about whether to tell the others about the barn o’ zombies, takes a break from staring blankly in one direction and glances toward the house. Maggie is standing on the porch, basically wagging her finger at him (Really just shakes her head. Also, for how long has she just been standing there watching them? She looks cold). Shaken by being told off by his squeeze, he then turns to see Dale giving him the exact opposite signal from a few yards away. So what’s an incapable-of-keeping-a-secret-but-love-struck boy to do? Well…he’s gonna tell everybody, which is probably a good move since they are sleeping in tents with children and pregnant ladies (well, one of each) while a gaggle (or perhaps a murder) of bloodthirsty zombies is staggering around relatively close by.