The Not Finale begins with Sarah schlepping a suitcase through a soggy parking lot, with longer hair and—supposedly—a better attitude. Perhaps she felt a little remorse after seeing what a bitchy bitch face she was on the TVs. Perhaps.
PREVIOUSLY Pee-Wee Herman rides a bicycle. The chefs are like a biker gang. A biker gang that cooks in random restaurant kitchens on the way to the Alamo, that is. Grayson goes home. Tom tells the four remaining chefs about Last Chance Kitchen. Everyone is all, “OMFG,” including us, because Bravo won’t tell us who won the final showdown. So bitchy.
BACK AT THE RANCH We find the chefs outside, smoking cigarettes and being SHOCKED and SCANDALIZED by what they have found out concerning Last Chance Kitchen. Ed predicts that Beverly will return, and Sarah’s all, “Blasphemy!” To make things
not at all more exciting, Ed bets a pack of cigarettes that Bev will return instead of Grayson. Sarah raises him a banana, and then is excited about some alone time with that banana, smoking cigarettes.
PREVIOUSLY Some random Whole Foods worker is the shit. Ugly Chris is apiphobic. Ed is an asshole to a child. And likely to everyone else as well. Dana Cowin lurrrves vodka. Tom hates chicken salad. But loves him some meatballs. Ugly Chris has to leave because his bread was dry. Then he loses to Beverly in Last Chance Kitchen. Bummer, dude.
BACK AT THE RANCH Grayson is missing her buddy Ugly Chris. We see Ed struggle to free himself from under his blanket and finally get out of bed, only to reveal that he has gone to sleep in a sport coat, button-up shirt, and shorts. He enters the living room as such and only receives a small percentage of the ridicule he deserves.
PREVIOUSLY Padma reminds Beverly just how 20/20 hindsight really is. Grayson aborted some bird’s baby. And then served it to Charlize Theron. Everything is “wicked” and “gnarly.” Paul wins. Beverly loses. Padma likely reminds her again off-camera how close she was to winning Immunity.
STILL IN THE STEW ROOM Grayson starts the show off by talking about how she will miss Beverly, but that she’s kind of the only one who will. Oh Beverly! In a stereotypical Asian accent, Ed acts like a total two-faced douche and makes fun of Beverly, even though he seemed to have befriended her, and even invited her and her husband to Kentucky. Ugh, go away Ed.
PREVIOUSLY There is a “monster of a barbecue.” Beverly starts the alcohols on fire. There is sun. Grayson tries to win over Tom with the ol’ “sex in the mouth” spiel. Ed hates Sarah. Sarah hates Ed. Malibu goes home because of his salty meat rubs.
This episode means business. It doesn’t start off in the hotel room with the chefs playing spin the bottle trashing whoever just went home and talking about how dogs used to poop in their houses drinking. No. INSTEAD we immediately cut to the chefs entering what appears to be an empty restaurant space, where Padma and Cro Magnon await them. What could be happening?! Grayson uses her incredible powers of logic and deduces that she knows what the next challenge will be. And after Padma’s usual “the best chefs always go home on this challenge…blah blah blah,” everyone’s suspicions are indeed confirmed that this week’s Elimination Challenge will be Restaurant Wars. And not just any Restaurant Wars, but a “Battle of the Sexes Restaurant Wars!” As if that makes it more dramatic. And as if there haven’t already been like eight team challenges on this season.
The chefs are gracing Austin with their presence, even though Austin probably never asked them to. Patti Labelle makes an awkward appearance, which appears to make Sarah cry, but doesn’t really. Sarah does cry, however, when Patti tells her she wins. Heather fails to rescue a pot of yuck. And then she goes home. Beverly feels a personal satisfaction.
Heather’s demise is the topic of conversation at Hotel Wood and Fur. Ty-Umlaut and Sarah are firmly in Camp Heather, while Ed and Beverly…not so much. But they can still all get wasted together! Ed bitches about Heather winning with his cake recipe. Twice! Sarah gets mad at Ed for talking behind Heather’s back. And she does so…behind Ed’s back. Ed bugs me, though, so I am kind of with Sarah on this one, even if she does have poor Heather-related judgment. Ugh, this show is such a soap opera.
Heather’s a bitch. No one wants to go home. Ed’s jaw is still weird. Dakota and Nyesha keep it raw—the venison, that is—and get sent packing.
We begin in the Stew Room of Last Week. Beverly says that she is now going to be alone in her room with Dakota and Nyesha gone. Surprisingly, Heather doesn’t offer to keep her company. Probably later when they braid each other’s hair. Then Padma comes in, and, at first, everyone wants her to go away, but then she’s like, “Bitches, pack your bags! We’re going to Austin!” And everyone’s excited. I would be too. Because Austin > everywhere else in Texas. Paul tells us that he is from Austin, and then teaches us that you can say “I’m sweating balls” on TV and not be censored.