top chef texas “block party”

Better late than never? My excuse is that I was writing a research paper on Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Which is totally true.

PREVIOUSLY Padma reminds Beverly just how 20/20 hindsight really is. Grayson aborted some bird’s baby. And then served it to Charlize Theron. Everything is “wicked” and “gnarly.” Paul wins. Beverly loses. Padma likely reminds her again off-camera how close she was to winning Immunity.

STILL IN THE STEW ROOM Grayson starts the show off by talking about how she will miss Beverly, but that she’s kind of the only one who will. Oh Beverly! In a stereotypical Asian accent, Ed acts like a total two-faced douche and makes fun of Beverly, even though he seemed to have befriended her, and even invited her and her husband to Kentucky. Ugh, go away Ed.

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dance moms season 2 episode 3 “brooke’s turning point”

PREVIOUSLY Cathy’s dancers have real apples abs, not bejeweled drawn-on ones. Some big ol’ lady tried to beat Brooke, but was too big and old to win. Cathy thinks Christi’s name is ‘Nose.’ Christi thinks Cathy is an evil witch but, unfortunately, has no water to test her theory. And, if I remember correctly, Abby said the word ‘apple’ 862 times.

PYRAMID OF SHAME Abby brings the girls and Dance Moms in for Pyramid/Chalkboard/ Weekly Ritual of Degradation and Shame. Right off the bat, she makes yet another play-on-‘apple,’ which basically recaps the entire episode last week, so I don’t have to. Abby congratulates the girls on their victory, but then immediately tells them to get over it.

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top chef texas “fit for an evil queen”

PREVIOUSLY Restaurant wars. Chaos. Yelling. Bleeping. Everyone Hates Beverly. Beverly wins. Ty-Umlaut goes home.

We find the chefs in the post-Restaurant Wars Stew Room. Sarah is still pissed that Lindsay didn’t win the challenge. Then, upon seeing Tom come into the Stew Room, Sarah gets even more upset and whines, “Nooo…” as he enters. Good strategy. In response, Tom’s all, “Yes…San Antonio, bitches.” Except he barely says any of that.

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doomtree “bangarang”

Doomtree has been one of my favorite groups for a couple of years. I’ve been to several of their shows, and they never fail to bring it. I also met a two of them outside Chicago gem Hot Doug’s the day after a show. They were really nice, and, of course, stood in the hour-long line in the March cold just like the rest of us.

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top chef texas “restaurant wars”

PREVIOUSLY There is a “monster of a barbecue.” Beverly starts the alcohols on fire. There is sun. Grayson tries to win over Tom with the ol’ “sex in the mouth” spiel. Ed hates Sarah. Sarah hates Ed. Malibu goes home because of his salty meat rubs.

This episode means business. It doesn’t start off in the hotel room with the chefs playing spin the bottle trashing whoever just went home and talking about how dogs used to poop in their houses drinking. No. INSTEAD we immediately cut to the chefs entering what appears to be an empty restaurant space, where Padma and Cro Magnon await them. What could be happening?! Grayson uses her incredible powers of logic and deduces that she knows what the next challenge will be. And after Padma’s usual “the best chefs always go home on this challenge…blah blah blah,” everyone’s suspicions are indeed confirmed that this week’s Elimination Challenge will be Restaurant Wars. And not just any Restaurant Wars, but a “Battle of the Sexes Restaurant Wars!” As if that makes it more dramatic. And as if there haven’t already been like eight team challenges on this season.

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dance moms season 2 episode 1 “everyone’s replaceable”

LAST SEASON Abby produces stars. Well, at least one star. The moms are proud. Abby is mean. There is a lot of yelling. Everyone is replaceable. Cathy is nuts. Melissa is a sociopath. Abby predicts that every girl will win a crown this year. Hopefully, she has rigged the judging.

FIRST DANCE MEETING Melissa interviews that she is going to start the competition season without any negative thoughts, which, interestingly enough, is just how Newt Gingrich started his campaign season. I bet he’s Melissa’s role model.

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