PYRAMID OF SHAME As per usual, the episode begins with the girls and moms lining up for their weekly denigration. Jill is the first to be called out because she has chosen to keep her boots on in the studio, which is a big no-no. Abby screams at her that the floor is $68,000. Jill keeps her boots on. Maybe if it were $78,000, Abby. Maybe.
PREVIOUSLY Pey-Ton the Large joins the group. Jill doesn’t understand how many people can be in a trio. Abby gives Chloe all kinds of ultimatums. Pey-Ton thinks she’s hot to trot. Abby gets upset with a woman who may or may not be her sister.
BROOKE BATTLES THE BEAST Brooke decides to invite “Miss Abby” to lunch to ask for her spot back on the dance team. Abby and her big ol’ self lumber in to the café, where Brooke is already sitting down being a fidgety fidget and phantom-twirling her hair. As Brooke mumbles out her request to rejoin the dance team, she looks as though she could vomit at any moment. All the while, Abby’s facial expression is one of condescension and power.
PREVIOUSLY Things are going to be different—also known as exactly the same—this year because…Maddie-Chloe showdown. Cathy is a pillar of sportsmanship. Brooke is missing, but not in the “Where Have All the Children Gone” sense. Chloe wins. Christi has been replaced by a disco ball.
PYRAMID, PYRAMID, ON THE MIRROR Once again, Abby starts the show off by congratulating the girls on their victories. And then she proceeds to tear them apart one by one. Paige has a slutty cheerleader for a sister sucks at jumping and life. Kendall has questionable hips. Nia was not bad, but she wasn’t good either.
PREVIOUSLY Cathy’s dancers have real apples abs, not bejeweled drawn-on ones. Some big ol’ lady tried to beat Brooke, but was too big and old to win. Cathy thinks Christi’s name is ‘Nose.’ Christi thinks Cathy is an evil witch but, unfortunately, has no water to test her theory. And, if I remember correctly, Abby said the word ‘apple’ 862 times.
PYRAMID OF SHAME Abby brings the girls and Dance Moms in for Pyramid/Chalkboard/ Weekly Ritual of Degradation and Shame. Right off the bat, she makes yet another play-on-‘apple,’ which basically recaps the entire episode last week, so I don’t have to. Abby congratulates the girls on their victory, but then immediately tells them to get over it.
LAST SEASON Abby produces stars. Well, at least one star. The moms are proud. Abby is mean. There is a lot of yelling. Everyone is replaceable. Cathy is nuts. Melissa is a sociopath. Abby predicts that every girl will win a crown this year. Hopefully, she has rigged the judging.
FIRST DANCE MEETING Melissa interviews that she is going to start the competition season without any negative thoughts, which, interestingly enough, is just how Newt Gingrich started his campaign season. I bet he’s Melissa’s role model.