dance moms season 2 episode 6 “wardrobe malfunction”

PREVIOUSLY Brooke is in. Pey-Ton The Large is out. Kendall is off probation. Jill is off her rocker. The group places second, making them “the first losers” in Abby’s eyes. Bicker bicker bicker.

PYRAMID OF SHAME As per usual, the episode begins with the girls and moms lining up for their weekly denigration. Jill is the first to be called out because she has chosen to keep her boots on in the studio, which is a big no-no. Abby screams at her that the floor is $68,000. Jill keeps her boots on. Maybe if it were $78,000, Abby. Maybe.

In a shocking twist, Abby is disappointed in the girls’ slug-like performance in the group number last weekend. But don’t worry, there is a chance for further ridicule redemption this upcoming weekend. In Secaucus, New Jersey. I was in Secaucus one time. Well, I was at the Secaucus Wendy’s. I remember they gave me a Fanta instead of a root beer with my Double Stack. So bitchy.

Anyway, Abby gets down to business. Kendall is at the bottom of the Pyramid. Because Jill is needy. Ha. Jill whines that she was being “inquisitive,” not needy, and she disagrees with Abby punishing Kendall for mere motherly inquisitiveness.

Nia, Brooke, and Paige round out the bottom row. Not because they were bad, but just because. Maddie and Chloe both did a great job, but not good enough to be on top. And then, OMFG Mackenzie is on top of the Pyramid. Fuck yeah, Easy Mac! But before Easy Mac can bask too much in her glory, Abby shifts the focus by revealing that there will be no group routine this week. Say what? But everyone does get a solo. And even without a group routine, Abby emphasizes the importance of the Pyramid as a tool for the girls to see where they rank in her eyes. And then she looks at them as if she is going to eat them. Om nom nom.

After all that exposition, Abby gets down to logistics. Seven different solos means seven different costumes, seven different costumes that Abby CAN’T POSSIBLY DEAL WITH. So who will be making the costumes? The moms. Wait, what? That’s dumb. And they can’t use ANY costume that has ever existed before in the history of the world. Because Abby will know. Therefore, each mom must make her daughter a completely new costume. Ugh. So unnecessary. What is important again?

The moms are banished and therefore resume their perch up in the Momservatory. And none of them are pleased about the costume situation. Well, except Jill, since she is just going to ignore the rules and use a professionally-made costume that she already has at home. Because Jill is above the law.

The other moms also bring up the Boot-gate and ask why Jill chose to wear her boots in the studio—I mean, she must know the no-shoe rule, being that she isn’t new to dance studios and all. Jill’s explains that she understands the rules now and won’t break them again, not because she actually wants to follow the rules and be a team player, rather only because breaking them will negatively affect Kendall. Uhh, okay.

After hearing about Jill’s tendency to break the rules, Christi takes it upon herself to further discuss the Code of HammurAbby, including a stipulation that if any dancer who has won a title leaves the studio, then that person will owe $100,000 IN CASH within a week. Or the dancer will be blackballed “in the world of dance.” And will be RUINED. That’s some gangsta shit right there.

OMFG IT’S CATHY We now jump over to Ohio and find Cathy and her “sweet little apples” gathering around for their own Pyramid reveal, which Cathy refers to as the PPP. No, not the Public Policy Poll, the “Perfectly Positive Pyramid.” Cringe. If it were perfectly positive, I think it would be a straight line, although since all of her dancers are on the bottom row this week—the hell?—I guess her PPP lives up to its name. Well, except that she wants to add someone better than her current dancers to the group, so that she can actually win things. And to do that, she’s going to hold an open audition. Really? Really.

FUCK SPAIN Maddie is doing a Spanish-influenced jazz routine this week. Maddie refers to it as “instrumental,” although she acknowledges that there are people singing in Spanish on the track. So other than those SPANIARDS singing in SPANISH in the background, it’s instrumental. Whatevs.

Back up in the Momservatory, Jill won’t stop talking about how Kendall deserves to be on top of the Pyramid. She doesn’t really make any good points as to why Kendall deserves it more than anyone else, but she does still manage to offend all the other moms with her ramblings, particularly Holly. Because, once again, Holly has the AUDACITY to hold down a job and not spend her mornings in the dance studio, watching Abby get a rub down. For shame!

KIDS IN THE CANDY STUDIO In the early morning light, we catch a glimpse of a small crowd waiting in the gravel parking lot outside Cathy’s studio. Cathy emerges from the building and welcomes the crowd inside, well, she welcomes the DANCERS inside. So I guess everyone who showed up at a child’s dance audition to be a part of a sketch comedy group should just leave now. AND THEN OMFG IT’S PEY-TON THE LARGE. Because of course it is. Cathy is giddy.

Leslie interviews that Pey-Ton going to Candy Apple’s studio after Abby kicked Pey-Ton to the curb is “icing on the cake.” Yeah, that’ll really piss Abby off, seeing one of her dancers go to a studio that perpetually loses to Abby Lee dancers. Dance. Vengeance.

There’s a lump in this icing, however, as Pey-Ton doesn’t even want to dance at Cathy’s studio. Awkwardly yet predictably, Pey-Ton is offered a chance to be one of Cathy’s apples. Of course she is. Much to Cathy’s dismay, however, Pey-Ton asks to think about it. So naturally, Cathy accuses Pey-Ton of being a spy. WTF? That barely makes sense. And then Cathy and Leslie go at each other’s throats for a hot minute. Cathy says Pey-Ton wasted her caramel-covered, nut-encrusted time. In turn, Leslie questions Cathy’s claims to positivity. So while, in the end, Pey-Ton won’t be dancing at Cathy’s studio, Leslie comes away feeling victorious, as she knows that Cathy can’t handle her.

COSTUME CRITIC Amidst solo rehearsals, Abby lumbers up to the Momservatory to check on the moms’ costuming progress. Holly resents that she is forced to make Nia’s costume and shows Abby what looks like a tiger-striped swimsuit with green netting on it. Yuck. I think it’s store-bought, so Abby immediately vetoes it. Jill shows Abby some bright orange situation, and Abby dismisses it because it doesn’t look like a “Sweet Little Lie” kind of outfit, which, I take it, is the name of Kendall’s routine. It sounds like a Lifetime movie about a pedophile. Lifetime Movie Network cross-promotion, perhaps? Melissa is next and holds up a sequin-y number and tells Abby that she will be making it into a sarong. Abby laughs in her face and moves on. Christi has little to show because Chloe’s costume is wet after being dyed and is therefore at home. Abby is unimpressed by Christi, as per usual. Kelly seems to have followed Abby’s instructions, but Abby still gets mad at her and tells her how much Paige sucks at everything. So all in all, good game team.

Abby interviews that this week is really tough on her because she has seven different solos to create and blah blah blah. Well, whose fault is that? To use your own words, Abby, was someone holding a gun to your head to make you do seven different solos this week? No. You’re only screwing yourself. I can feel it!

Later on at the studio, Abby gets a phone call from some man who calls himself Rick and claims to be affiliated with Dance Explosion, their upcoming competition. Abby is confused and then pleased and then upset, as Rick tells her that the competition has been canceled. Apparently there was not a big enough explosion of applicants. Weak, Rick. Weak. Also, the day before?

Abby breaks the news to the moms, and everyone is all kinds of upset. So now the moms are relying on Abby to find a competition for them to go to…tomorrow. Abby is frantically making phone calls, telling people that she has “a bit of a crises,” which I guess she does, since on top of the competition being canceled, she also has no idea what the singular form of ‘crises’ is. For realz.

I’m not sure why they can’t just wait for the next competition, but I digress. This whole scenario gives Abby the opportunity to toot her “I would and do do anything for these girls” horn. Finally, she does in fact do do and finds a competition…in Texas.

COMPETITION DAY So the team arrives at the competition and…it’s in a gymnasium.

First of all, how did Abby not know the location of the competition? Couldn’t she see that it wasn’t at the Airport Hilton, but rather in a school? To be fair, I guess she could have thought it was in the school auditorium instead of the school gymnasium. I don’t know, though. It’s all a little fishy. Also, they’re dressing in a classroom. Ha.

And as they are getting dressed, Abby starts lecturing everyone about how the costumes need to sparkle and be amazing and OMFG THE COSTUMES. I’m not sure how much good it does to harp on the costumes since the competition is happening right at that moment, but whatever. Abby will not be held back by the confines of rationality.

Brooke is up first, performing a lyrical routine, which is not what she usually does. She does well enough, though, ending with her usual bendy, eat-her-own-toes-from-above move. Easy Mac is the next Abby Lee dancer to perform. And while she almost loses her shit a few times on the slippery gym floor, she works it out. Good job, Easy Mac.

Back in the dressing room, the moms are interrogating Jill about Kendall’s costume. Jill admits that—surprise, surprise—she didn’t make it. And then Abby comes in, and she too wants to see Kendall’s costume before Kendall goes out. Jill sheepishly holds it up, and Abby CANNOT BELIEVE that Jill disobeyed her orders to make a costume out of pipe cleaners and glitter glue. Supposedly, the whole exercise in at-home costuming was really just to show the girls that they don’t need an expensive, professionally-made costume to win. They can win on talent alone. Since when was that the reason!?

Abby is not going to allow Kendall to wear the professionally-made costume of unknown origin. So what will Kendall wear? Apparently there is a white “crop top and booty shorts” ensemble available, but Jill isn’t having any of it, as she threatens to leave and starts throwing a tantrum. All while wearing a cowboy hat.

Jill storms out, and moments later, we find Jill and Melissa in the hallway, with Melissa trying to console Jill. But Jill has made up her mind. And Kendall isn’t dancing. Kendall is bawling. Jill blames everyone but herself and tells Kendall that, “when she is older, she will understand.” Understand what? That you think you are above the rules? Ugh, this lady.

It’s almost Nia’s turn to dance, and she is feeling very nervous about the performance. In fact, right before she goes on, she starts freaking out. She is worried about performing on the slippery floor, and likely about Abby ripping her to pieces if she messes up. She does still perform, though. And she does well enough to make her mom cry. So that’s special.

Jill apparently never told Abby that Kendall wasn’t dancing. And when Abby finds out, she is not so much pleased. However, right before—or maybe not really—Kendall’s scheduled performance, Jill decides to let Kendall wear the “underwear” and perform her dance. Kendall clearly doesn’t give a fuck about the costume situation and just wants to dance. Her routine consists of her repeatedly pretending to stab herself in the stomach. Lovely.

Maddie is the next one to dance. She is wearing shoes—I guess because it’s a jazz routine?—and she totally slips and biffs it part of the way through her routine, landing pretty hard on her ass/hip. Some random man appears to carry her away. As Melissa finds her and carries her through the hallway, Maddie seems far less concerned about her hip and far more concerned that she messed up the routine and will now feel Abby’s wrath. HARD. Abby finds Maddie and Melissa in—I think—the nurse’s office and starts riding Maddie’s ass about how Maddie messed up the choreography, and that’s why she fell. Even though Melissa is also in the room, all she remembers is how “Abby came in, and she felt so bad for Maddie.” Uhh, yeah.

Luckily, Maddie will be fine, and Abby triumphantly carries her into the dressing room. Kelly interviews that if Paige had done that Abby would have freaked the fuck out and been like, “I haven’t had a kid do this to me in 50 years.” Ha. That’s probably true.

Speaking of Paige, she is Abby’s final dancer to perform. She rocks that shit out. And after her performance, we see her strutting down the hallway to what sounds an awful lot like “SexyBack” without the words. You go, girl.

At the awards ceremony, the age divisions seem to be a little different at this mediocre competition, since Brooke is in the same category as the other girls, and she ends up placing third. Chloe gets second for her ballet number. And PAIGE gets first!

Abby is glad that Paige won but vows to continue to crush her spirit, just like she would her own children–you know, if she had those.

Abby also reveals that every girl got a perfect score on her costume. Well, since Kendall was wearing underwear, I guess they weren’t too picky. Jill does not look too happy. Likely because she was not vindicated. And then because Abby tells her to either follow the rules or GTFO.

NEXT WEEK Jill is still being a whiny whiner. The girls have guns. Abby produces employable dancers, although I’m assuming she doesn’t mean THOSE kinds of dancers.

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