The Not Finale begins with Sarah schlepping a suitcase through a soggy parking lot, with longer hair and—supposedly—a better attitude. Perhaps she felt a little remorse after seeing what a bitchy bitch face she was on the TVs. Perhaps.
PYRAMID OF SHAME As per usual, the episode begins with the girls and moms lining up for their weekly denigration. Jill is the first to be called out because she has chosen to keep her boots on in the studio, which is a big no-no. Abby screams at her that the floor is $68,000. Jill keeps her boots on. Maybe if it were $78,000, Abby. Maybe.
PREVIOUSLY Sophia is playing the longest game of hide and seek ever. Hershel is going to heal the walkers à la Jesus. Dale hates Shane. Shane hates the zombarn. And because Sophia was hiding in the zombarn and wasting everyone’s time, Rick shoots her.
The episode begins exactly where it left off in November, that being outside the zombarn with Rick’s gun still smoking from just putting a bullet into Sophia’s head. So just like the Springsteen album by the same name, this episode is starting off to be pretty fucking bleak.
PREVIOUSLY Pee-Wee Herman rides a bicycle. The chefs are like a biker gang. A biker gang that cooks in random restaurant kitchens on the way to the Alamo, that is. Grayson goes home. Tom tells the four remaining chefs about Last Chance Kitchen. Everyone is all, “OMFG,” including us, because Bravo won’t tell us who won the final showdown. So bitchy.
BACK AT THE RANCH We find the chefs outside, smoking cigarettes and being SHOCKED and SCANDALIZED by what they have found out concerning Last Chance Kitchen. Ed predicts that Beverly will return, and Sarah’s all, “Blasphemy!” To make things
not at all more exciting, Ed bets a pack of cigarettes that Bev will return instead of Grayson. Sarah raises him a banana, and then is excited about some alone time with that banana, smoking cigarettes.
PREVIOUSLY Pey-Ton the Large joins the group. Jill doesn’t understand how many people can be in a trio. Abby gives Chloe all kinds of ultimatums. Pey-Ton thinks she’s hot to trot. Abby gets upset with a woman who may or may not be her sister.
BROOKE BATTLES THE BEAST Brooke decides to invite “Miss Abby” to lunch to ask for her spot back on the dance team. Abby and her big ol’ self lumber in to the café, where Brooke is already sitting down being a fidgety fidget and phantom-twirling her hair. As Brooke mumbles out her request to rejoin the dance team, she looks as though she could vomit at any moment. All the while, Abby’s facial expression is one of condescension and power.
PREVIOUSLY Some random Whole Foods worker is the shit. Ugly Chris is apiphobic. Ed is an asshole to a child. And likely to everyone else as well. Dana Cowin lurrrves vodka. Tom hates chicken salad. But loves him some meatballs. Ugly Chris has to leave because his bread was dry. Then he loses to Beverly in Last Chance Kitchen. Bummer, dude.
BACK AT THE RANCH Grayson is missing her buddy Ugly Chris. We see Ed struggle to free himself from under his blanket and finally get out of bed, only to reveal that he has gone to sleep in a sport coat, button-up shirt, and shorts. He enters the living room as such and only receives a small percentage of the ridicule he deserves.
PREVIOUSLY Things are going to be different—also known as exactly the same—this year because…Maddie-Chloe showdown. Cathy is a pillar of sportsmanship. Brooke is missing, but not in the “Where Have All the Children Gone” sense. Chloe wins. Christi has been replaced by a disco ball.
PYRAMID, PYRAMID, ON THE MIRROR Once again, Abby starts the show off by congratulating the girls on their victories. And then she proceeds to tear them apart one by one. Paige has a slutty cheerleader for a sister sucks at jumping and life. Kendall has questionable hips. Nia was not bad, but she wasn’t good either.